Here at JeffersonIowaNews we have received quite a few questions from readers concerning religion. Questions such as: “I pray every night but still have not won the lottery, what gives with God?”; “The Bible mentions angels...are they talking about the baseball team or the Navy jets you see at air shows?”
After a little research by our Religion Editor Wally Fard it was discovered that there are at least six demons currently on the active roster of Hell:
Demon Name - Location
Mephistopheles – Venzuela
Orobus – Eastern Europe
Zelusrous - Syria
Beelzebub – Zimbabwe
Razakel – Egypt
Steve – Jefferson, IA
I contacted the demon named Steve who agreed to sit down and be interviewed by JeffersonIowaNews. It is my and Steve’s hope that this interview will provide an opportunity to clear up some of the misconceptions and prejudices demons face in their daily lives. Especially here in Jefferson.
Wally Fard – “Let me start off the interview by thanking you for taking the time to speak with me today.”
Steve – “No, problem. Happy to do it.”
Wally Fard – “You do work for…umm…may I call him the Prince of Darkness?”
Steve – “Huh? Oh sure. You can just call him Satan or The Devil, if you like. I'm fine with whatever makes you comfortable.”
Wally Fard – “To start off, I think our readers would like to hear about...what you might call the other team.”
Steve – “God?”
Wally Fard – “Correct.”
Steve – “Well, I don’t really have any direct contact with God. You’d have to go to the higher ups for those questions. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to answer any God questions.”
Wally Fard – “Okay, how about angels?”
Steve – “Angels…sure. I deal with angels all the time. Ask away.”
Wally Fard – “We’ve all read the stories of the great accomplishments of the angels in the Bible. Are they still out there looking out for us?”
Steve – “Looking out for you? Maybe, if you’re getting undressed, then yeah. Otherwise, they’re probably just looking around for something to steal. The last angel we cast into Hell had about 35 pawn shop tickets on him. Punks.”
Wally Fard - “What!?!”
Steve – “Oh yeah. Trust me angels are a lot more useless than the Bible makes them out to be. Believe me, I know a lot of "angels". You know the saying...Don't trust an angel further than you can throw them. Although, you can actually throw them quite a ways. Ha, ha...”
Wally Fard – “It’s rumored that you and Bigfoot are good friend. Is that true?”
Steve – “Yeah, we’re friends, to a point. Bigfoot gets lots of
press
around here. He gets the VIP treatment. Let me tell you, that Bigfoot is
also about as worthless as they come. He is still trying to live off
being a “D List” celebrity from way back in the 70s. Bigfoot…right…when
you see him from behind you’d think his name would be "Volkswagon-ass".
Get him drinking a little…and he’ll tell you stories…well…I can tell you
I’ve never once dreamed of doing things to a badger like a
certain Sasquatch that I know.”Wally Fard – “Do you ever see any of the other demons?”
Steve – “Sure. Just a few months ago I got together with Orobus and Razakel. Those guys are great. We’ve know each other for seven…maybe eight thousand years. We’re like family. Yeah…we had a lot of fun. We all got together in El Salvador for a weekend. Drank a bunch…cursed the land…and…don’t print this, but Razakel ate a baby. That’s right…a baby! At least that is the story he tells. I have sources that tell me it was a baby raccoon. And he didn’t eat it as much as bit part of its tail off. He had to have rabies shots for four months! HAHAHA! Don’t worry about Razakel…the demon can be a major jerk. He deserves a few dozen rabies shots, trust me. Great weekend, though.”
Wally Fard – “So, do your demon friends ever visit you here in Jefferson?”
Steve – “No…those demons never come visit me in Jefferson. They say it’s too depressing. Something about having to shop at convenience stores for pretty much everything. I don’t know. After living in the bowels of Hell for thousands of centuries, I find living in Jefferson is…bearable.”
Wally Fard – “Well, thank very much for time.”
Steve – “My pleasure.”
Wally Fard, Religion Editor