The Jefferson Iowa News®

BIGFOOT SPOTTED AT LAKESIDE GOLF COURSE

While maintaining the green on the fifth hole at Lakeside recently, resident greenskeeper Elmer Cleghorn was surprised by a sight that continues to haunt him. After a long day of mowing and drinking beer, Elmer briefly left his post and slipped into a nearby thicket to relieve himself. When he emerged, imagine his surprise when he discovered what appeared to be Bigfoot attempting to abscond with his John Deere gardening tractor.

At first, he was under the impression that it was merely his wife, who occasionally follows him on his rounds. It seems she is Italian, and has a hair growth problem. But when he called to her, the creature simply grunted loudly and ran toward Spring Lake.

Mr. Cleghorn was able to quickly snap a photo with his digital camera, which he uses when recording abnormalities in the turf and terrain, for future reference.

The beast behaved wildly, and exhibited a remarkable intelligence by taking off with Elmer’s favorite Taylor Made putter. By lucky happenstance, Bigfoot left behind a modest-sized deposit of excrement on the floorboard of the tractor. This has been sent to laboratories at the University of Iowa for close examination, and DNA testing will be performed.

Unsure of what to do next, Mr. Cleghorn dialed the local sheriff’s department, and a county officer was immediately sent out to investigate. While filing his report, he noticed Elmer vomiting on the number 6 tee box. Following customary procedure, he immediately administered a breathalyzer on Elmer, which, needless to say, he failed miserably. In fact, the device used no longer seems to function correctly.

Mr. Cleghorn was booked and charged with public intoxication, urinating in a public place, and trespassing. Local attorney Vicki Copeland, who is representing the defendant in this case, is confident that her client will be exonerated of all charges, except for possibly the urination. The photo taken will prove that Mr. Cleghorn was telling the truth