Sources have informed us here at jeffersoniowanews that a large scandal is in the making at this year's Bell Tower Festival and Bigfoot is at the heart of it. It seems that Bell Tower weekend coincides with Bigfoot's annual family reunion, which will be held in Jefferson this year.
This would not normally pose any problems, as many local residents are fond of scheduling their reunions around this festival. However, it seems that Bigfoot may have perhaps lied to his family about his high school records, and is trying to gain a ride on one of the reunion floats in order to impress them.
This is even though there is absolutely no record of him ever graduating or even attending high school. We cannot even find a record of a valid GED.
The
photo at left was taken a few years back at a previous Bigfoot family
reunion, which was not held in Jefferson. Bigfoot is the one with the
ape-like expression.Jeffersoniowanews would like to stress to all float organizers that they should be extremely diligent and vet out any characters without genuine credentials. This is unfortunate, but it is the type of behavior that cheapens this beautiful event. All of the splendor and pageantry of this fine parade would be sullied by allowing this fraudulent act to occur.
A special piece of advice should be forwarded to the organizers of the Class of '78 float, as in the past Bigfoot has ridiculed them as being the least organized, and the easiest to deceive, as they are known to be very poor record keepers. This makes them a prime target for Bigfoot's antics. If anybody in this class shows up resembling the photo at left, do not let him on your float.
Organizers for the Class of '78 state that they will be on the lookout, but really aren't sure what most of their old classmates look like.
Rick Bland, contributor