Jefferson
Iowa News has learned that aliens landed in Jefferson last week, took
over the city council as well as most local government offices, and made
sweeping changes to the community. The extra-terrestrials apparently
originally landed near the local golf course, and demanded to be taken
to the leader of Jefferson. Unfortunately, the city council had
implemented an "Every-Man-For-Himself" code back in 1996. This made it
relatively easy for them to take over the city council, as members
quickly submitted their resignations.Sweeping changes became the order of the day. Kaklaar XXII, son of Bartrarg and leader of the expedition to Makluur VII, was installed as mayor. He immediately determined that the local airport was insignificant, and completely unable to accommodate the craft his group required as a regular mode of travel. It necessitated the construction of a very deep circular landing "pit", which was subsequently built near the Mahanay Tower (see photo at left).
They also seemed quite baffled by the local citizens' use of water as a sustaining liquid. As a result, the local water supply was converted to blood. As Kaklaar stated, "Blood nourishing. Water no good." The policy was immediately implemented by the city council on a voice vote. The council has set up regular involuntary blood donor drives which are to begin taking place immediately.
All local churches are to be quickly and permanently converted to the worship of Throxx, the one true God. Virgins will be sacrificed providing they can be located in the area. If not, pigs will do. The aliens also appear puzzled by the residents' use of gasoline. They view teleportation as a more efficient, convenient way of travel. They are open to using the product as a way of optimizing the effect of the virgin sacrifices, however.
We are able to pass along public service announcements as we receive them from the council. As a service to the local population, they should know the following:
- Drivers License Renewals, please see Xaziffturk IV
- All water and sewer department issues, including billing, please see Pizzdarr the Evil
- Voter registration changes, see Maknard, son of Kaagnakp, conqueror of Blasmaarkjtyf and father of Yx
Further changes will be passed along at this site as they are received.
Spencer Straight, 10-11-2009