The Jefferson municipal water department reports that large numbers of brainworms have been discovered to
be infesting the local water supply, causing residents to hallucinate,
and take over most of their brain functions. Suicides are reported to be
up 45,000% over last year - and this is in Jefferson. Suicide
is on the majority's agenda at any given moment.The origination of these brainworms is so far unknown. Testing done around the main wells providing Jefferson's drinking water so far has turned up nothing unusual. It should be noted, however, that these wells are located directly underneath the Midwest's largest hog confinement area. The testing also had to be done in fifteen minutes due to the owner's insistence that "you better not goddamn bother the hogs. If I have any trouble with my hogs, you'll goddamn pay for it. I want you out of here in 15 minutes."
Mark Furt, spokesman for the local water department, claims that he can dip a bucket into his bathtub and have enough bait to fish the entire weekend. We caught up with Mr. Furt in his somewhat crowded office, pictured at
left.
Mr. Furt states that the water department has requested a new filter
which, when installed, will completely eliminate the brainworms and
their eggs. The cost of this filter is $750.00. So far the city council
has repeatedly rejected the idea of adding this cost to their budget.
One councilman stated that he would "absolutely not under any
circumstances put that added strain on the community. Who's going to pay
for this?! Not on my watch!"Mr. Furt also stated that the overall water quality was actually quite good - among the best in the nation. He said that besides the worms, he noticed no problems at all.
Interestingly enough, a common side-effect of these worms seems to be that they make residents want to paint the Mahanay Tower blue! Robin's egg blue to be exact. They have literally run the local paint store out of that particular color of paint. Hank Lawson, owner of the local hardware store, seems pleased with the added business and in no way supports the filter purchase. It is estimated that each time the city is required to repaint the tower, the cost runs to about $540 in labor and $45 in paint.
Submitted by Spencer Straight (09-04-09)