Dissatisfied
with the windows in your current home? A new local business may have
just the answer you've been looking for! Business owner Zontar Gragnaak
has recently opened a new shop in Jefferson featuring all of your window
and shutter needs.He has developed a line of wooden, single-pane storm windows which can be installed in most homes. We were able to view most of his products, which are being sold out of his home/shop in Jefferson, Iowa. He also was kind enough to answer our questions.
"These are the latest window and shutter offerings you require based on your atmospheric needs. They are single-pane wood-based structures, which can be easily installed and removed with a common screwdriver. The four exterior screws eliminate the need for nails."
"They are removable from the outside of your earth dwelling, and are guaranteed for six months. They will not rust, as our testing shows that wood, as it exists in your environment, will not be consumed in that manner."
Gragnaak is especially proud of his guarantee, which he assures us will create additional sales. "Your windows and shutters are all guaranteed for six months," he states, "and if you incur difficulties, simply bring them back and receive 15% off of another purchase."
We asked Mr. Gragnaak about his unlikely similarity in appearance to previous Jefferson resident, Berizagg Blizmarraak. "I have no knowledge whatsoever of that individual," he claimed. "I have arrived here on my own accord with the sole mission of distributing windows and shutters. Please stop in and check out our line of single-pane glazed windows." We even pointed out that he had a mole in the same location as Blizmarraak.
Even though he is in the home improvement field, as was Blizmarraak, the similarities are apparently only coincidental.
We asked how his windows compared to Pella Windows, which are very popular locally.
"Are you talking about the Pelusians from Space Quadrant 72/3? These are nothing like the Pelusians would offer. Pelusians are nothing but gypsy scum." No, we were speaking of "Pella Windows", I replied.
"Ooh - I'm unfamiliar with that product," replied Zontar.
He is unable to state the exact time and date his shop will be open for business. When pressed, he stated "We will be distributing our products in approximately 14 quarnaks." Huh? "Within 1/4 revolution of this planet around your star."
So, sometime this summer? "That is correct," replied Mr. Gragnaak.
submitted by Rick Bland, city editor